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Dennis Miller rants - Rich Procter counter-rants
Posted: Saturday, March 29, 2003

By Rich Procter,

First, the Rant by Dennis Miller

All the rhetoric on whether or not we should go to war against Iraq has got my insane little brain spinning like a roulette wheel. I enjoy reading opinions from both sides, but I have detected a hint of confusion from some of you.

As I was reading the paper recently, I was reminded of the best advice someone ever gave me. He told me about the KISS method ("Keep it Simple, Stupid"). So, with this as a theme, I'd like to apply this theory for those who don't quite get it. My hope is that we can simplify things a bit and recognize a few important facts.

Here are 10 things to consider when voicing an opinion on this important issue:

1) President Bush and Saddam Hussein.....Hussein is the bad guy.

2) If you have faith in the United Nations to do the right thing, keep this in mind. They have Libya heading the Committee on Human Rights and Iraq heading the Global Disarmament Committee. Do your own math here.

3) If you use Google Search and type in "French Military Victories," your reply will be "Did you mean French Military Defeats?"

4) If your only anti-war slogan is "No war for oil," sue your school district for allowing you to slip through the cracks and robbing you of the education you deserve.

5) Saddam and Bin Laden will not seek United Nations approval before they try to kill us.

6) Despite what some seem to believe, Martin Sheen is NOT the President. He just plays one on TV.

7) Even if you are anti-war, you are still an "Infidel" and Bin Laden wants you dead, too.

8)If you believe in a "vast right-wing conspiracy," but not in the danger that Hussein poses, quit hanging out with the Dell computer dude.

9)We are not trying to liberate them.

10) Whether you are for military action, or against it, our young men and women overseas are fighting for us to defend our right to speak out. We all need to support them without reservation.

I hope this helps.


By Rich Procter

Dennis, babe -- When you addressed those 'who don't quite get it,' I didn't realize you were talking about yourself. So here are my 10 things to consider when voicing an opinion on this important issue:

1) President Bush and Saddam Hussein. Hussein's the bad guy. The Iraqi citizens aren't. We've invaded their frickin' country, and we're barbecuin' 'em by the hundreds because Bush lied America into this insanity. And they're supposed to love us for doing this? Do you see any Victory parades? Rose petals? Am I missing something?

2) The United Nations Inspectors went to Iraq as hawks, and came back as doves, calling Iraq a "wrecked country" that was not a threat to its neighbors, or the US. Did you miss this info-tidbit?

3) If you use Google Search and type in "George Bush Military Service, Vietnam," your reply will be, "Do you mean George Bush, AVOIDANCE of Military Service, Vietnam?" If this chickenhawk is so gung-ho to take down evil-doers, how come he passed up the opportunity to do it personally when he had the chance?

4) If your only justification for nukking the crap out of the Iraqis is "we're already there, so we have to support our boys," sue your school district, go the Public Library and get any available book on Vietnam. This was the government line in '65. 50,000 deaths later we pulled out - beaten and humiliated. You do the math.

5) Bush and Powell tried to get the UN on board for their big Middle East adventure. The UN told them to calm down and get real. They invaded anyway. How is this different from not asking the UN at all?

6) Despite what you've been lead to believe, George Bush was NOT elected President of the United States. That would be Al Gore. Bush was selected by the Supreme Court Justices appointed by his father. Surprised you missed this. It was in all the papers.

7) Whether you're pro-war or anti-war, you're an infidel and bin Laden wants you dead. So the difference is that if you're anti-war, your very own American Attorney General John Ashcroft ALSO wants you dead...or at least declared an 'enemy combatant,' thrown in a Navy brig somewhere, stripped of your rights, with no attorney, no charges, no trial date, and no hope of ever getting out.

8) If you believe in the "Liberal Media Conspiracy" after watching the Media Whores give Bush a free pass in this fiasco, you need to re-set your AM radio pre-sets to SportsTalk, and get rid of wingnut bloviators like Limbaugh who have washed, rinsed and spun-dry your brain.

9) We are not trying to liberate them. No shit, Sherlock. From what I can gather from the Bushies, God himself is whispering to his hand-picked emissary to bring democracy, Christianity, ExxonMobil and McDonalds to these poor people. If you think this plan is going to cut it, you've been smokin' too much of Woody Harrelson's hemp doormat.

10) If enough people had gotten mad enough in 1965 and demanded that Lyndon Johnson get the hell out of Vietnam, 50,000 men (and millions of Vietnamese) would not have been slaughtered for no reason. If you believe we've got another nut in the White House hypnotized by chickenhawk think-tank armchair Generals bound and determined to get us into World War III, doncha kinda think it's a good idea to speak up? Like, maybe, supporting our troops might include not getting them killed for no reason? I mean, isn't that sorta what living in a free country is all about, Sparky?

I hope this helps.

Rich Procter

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